WHENEVER WE LOSE a loved one, we are forced to make many adjustments. Some adjustments are practical and external; others are emotional and internal. Some may seem trivial—others monumental. Any adjustment can be difficult, simply because change itself is difficult.
It has often been said that humans are creatures of habit. We prefer to “live, move, and have our being” in our comfort zone. We arrange and situate our life until we’re comfortable, then we like everything to stay put. We don’t want anyone upsetting the apple cart or ruffling our feathers, so to speak. Just the fact that there are so many clichés referring to this tendency of human nature shows how much we don’t like change.
We would rather the world be a peaceful, tranquil place. But we must come to terms with the reality that it contains a great deal of pain and turmoil. A part of us wants to stay young, and we sometimes hear people longing for the good old days. However, we must deal with the truth that “our outward man is perishing” (2 Cor. 4:16). We may have idealistic dreams of the way we wish things could be, but ultimately we must face the way life really is.
God will give you strength and resiliency to move forward.
Everything Changes
Although we do not like or embrace change, it is wise for us to realize that everything pertaining to this earthly realm is subject to change.
None of our earthly relationships are permanent because some of us will leave this earth sooner than others. Thank God that we can be reunited in Heaven. In the meantime, we must remember that we are just “passing through.”
In spite of the very transitory nature of life, we become comfortable having things a certain way. When circumstances change, we can have a challenging time dealing with it. This is true in dealing with the death of a loved one.
When a loved one dies, there is usually much more involved than the person no longer being with us. The added issues make the transition difficult.
Dependency Issues
For example, there are dependency issues—how much did we depend upon that person, and how much did they depend upon us? What role did they play in our life? Perhaps we found a great sense of self-worth in caring for that person, and now they are no longer with us. Will we find a sense of worth and purpose elsewhere, or will we feel as though we no longer have value?
Perhaps the person was proficient in certain areas—such as managing the finances—so we allowed them to take care of us in those areas. We may have been completely dependent upon our loved one, completely leaning upon their skills. Suddenly, we find ourselves not only without that person, but we encounter new responsibilities for which we may feel very inadequate and unprepared.
Identity Issues
As we adjust to the new reality after suffering the loss of a loved one, we may also have identity issues. Perhaps our goals and dreams were wrapped up in our loved one—and now that person is gone! Will all our hopes and aspirations die with our loved one, or will we be able to discover new purpose and new direction in life? Sometimes the loss is so drastic and devastating that it seems there is no possible way we can go on.
Companionship Issues
In addition to dependency and identity issues, there are also companionship issues. It is normal to miss someone when we are no longer able to enjoy their physical presence and company. I remember contacting a middle-aged man whose elderly father had just died. When I asked him how he was doing, he gave an honest answer. He said, “I’m glad my dad is with Jesus and that he’s not suffering anymore, but I sure do miss him.”
Loneliness is commonly encountered when a loved one dies. Depending on the nature of the relationship, feelings of loneliness can be intense.
Don’t be alarmed if you have strong feelings of loneliness when someone you love dearly is separated from you. Just as God gave you the gift of being able to give love to that person and receive love from that person, God will give you strength and resiliency to move forward.
The aching void you feel in your heart is a testimony to the quality of love God allowed you to share with that individual. Although your loved one is gone, God is still with you, and He will never leave or forsake you.
It is important for you to believe that God still has a purpose and a reason for you to be alive. There will never be an exact replica of what you had with your loved one. But you must believe that God still has good things for you in life and that He will help you adjust to your new reality.
Missing someone you love is a tribute to that person and their influence in your life. Moving forward, making the necessary adjustments, and finding new purpose for yourself is a tribute to God and His influence in your life.
Author
Tony Cooke
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